3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Someone shit on the floor
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
