A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm at about main and main street
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
