Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Enjoy the penises
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
