I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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