My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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