Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
