Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
