i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Green mimosas i think yes
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
