Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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