If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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