No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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