One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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