He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
