I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
