remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
