we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
