I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
