3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
