1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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