you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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