Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
