when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
