I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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