I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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