she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
