I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
