What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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