mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
