I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize