At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
