I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
FUCK WHALES
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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