I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
