My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
