so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
