my mouth tastes like poor choices
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
