Tell her she can't have a vagina
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
