I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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