I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
