Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
