Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
