Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
