FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
