there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
