I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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