i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Bring me that man meat
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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