How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
