It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
