I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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