I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
