I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
