What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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