in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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