I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
