Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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