I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
