a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
