Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
the night ended with taco bell and tears
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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