I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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