I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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