Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize