An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
