i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
